My depression caused ME to kill MYSELF.
Many of us suffer from this form of sadness we have come to label as depression. For someone who has never experienced depression let me tell you this…
It is not just a feeling of sadness and it is not just an emotional feeling. Depression if not treated or looked into will creep deep down into your bones and cause an ache within you so painful that you feel the only way out often times it to kill yourself.
I have chosen to be honest in this blog post and admit that I myself have suffered from depression and have had the repeated thought of killing myself.
Depression causes you to feel as though your entire existence is waste and there is no purpose for you here.
It causes you to feel and believe that the whole world would be better off without you in it.
It causes you to believe LIES within in your own mind.
Depression can convince you that you are better off dead.
“I just want to kill myself!“
This deep penetrating sentence that I assumed if dead all my “problems” would disappear. That if I no longer existed that none of these “problems” would either. That if I could just kill myself I would finally be rid of these thoughts.
But…I had to wonder…
Who was “this person” that wanted to die and why was she living inside of ME?
Who was this voice that lived within me and tried to convince me that the best way to solve these problems would be to kill myself?
I decided to go deep within my own mind.
I began looking deeper and deeper into the thought that it finally brought me to a conclusion…
SHE WAS RIGHT!
I needed to kill myself.
I began killing myself.
The process of killing myself is still in progress and will take time. I find ways to “kill myself” every day. Every time I hear her voice, “You should just stop trying. You are never going to be anything better than this. This is your life you might as well just accept that you will struggle forever! You should just give up on it all now. Trust me, it is the easiest way.“
Once I hear this girl I know this is when I have start killing her, “I will never stop trying. I don’t need to be any “better” than this I am already amazing. I do accept that this is my life. Why wouldn’t I? I love that I have the opportunities to grow and become someone better than I was yesterday. You may think I struggle but you are wrong, struggling is what YOU try to convince me of! I am a fighter! And I will continue to fight so that others will see in me what they need to see in themselves. Your way is NOT easier!“
I realized the only way to actually “kill myself” was to eliminate the self by destroying her at the core. She is not a person separate from me. She is the voice that lives inside of my head. She is the thoughts that time has created within me that focus on limitations, lack, restrictions, problems and the perspective that everything is difficult! She is the weakness that lives inside of the strength.
She is the FEAR!
The only way to “kill” and destroy fear is to face it.
I discovered something inside of myself when I took the time to actually look inside of myself. When I took the time to remove myself from the voice in my head and start to ask her questions. Why did my mind want to think such awful thoughts? I suppose it is from years of conditioning and not closely monitoring the thoughts I believed to be true for me.
Imagine a dirty house…
If you never clean it the clutter will continue to pile up! If you let the negative thoughts into your mind and don’t clean them out they continue to pile up and create a mess INSIDE OF YOU.
Feeling depressed is painful. Trying to over come your own individual problems that create the depression is even more painful.
I tried to run from my problems. I tried to bury them all beneath the surface in the hopes that they would just disappear!Depression cannot be defeated by this action.
YOU MUST FACE YOUR FEARS HEAD ON!!!!
Trust me. The best coarse of actions is to TAKE ACTION and look deeply into what caused this feeling to begin with. You will soon come to find out that these thoughts are no longer needed for you life and within time you will be able to let go of them.
Take the time to look inwardly.
It may be just what you need to save your life.
*Please, if you suffer from any form of depression seek professional help and find the best way to solve your own individual depression. This is simply my story and personal experience with depression.
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Creating the Mind Now –Developing new beliefs, creative habits, and establishing inner peace.
You can check out Angela Spagnolo’s book “Thought Land” @ Amazon.com